The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I am sure Tom Petty and Heartbreakers weren't the 1st ones who coined the phrase "the waiting is the hardest part" but they sure did a good job with the song.



Tom Petty has been quoted as saying that this song for him was about the anticipation before a gig but that it really resonates with so many people because waiting is hard to do for anything whether it be a new house, a wedding, a paycheck, a baby or in our case another ultrasound.  When I say I am not a patient person that is putting it mildly to say the least so this waiting is just torture for me.  Even Chad who is one of the most patient people I know is anxious and ready for the next ultrasound!  Waiting can be hard on anyone and it can be especially hard when you're waiting for news that is so important like this.

The only thing we hold on to is the heart beat we listen to each morning and each night and the little movements I feel each day.  I made the best investment I have made in a long time when I decided to buy a friends fetal doppler.  Even though we don't know if the fluid levels are going up or staying the same or if Lacee is growing; at least when we hear the heartbeat (and it it sounds so good and strong like it always has) we know that things are ok at that moment.  It has been such a blessing and has kept us sane!

I like countdowns!  Some people don't but I do!  So I created one for our next ultrasound!  My next visit is June 22nd in the late afternoon and we have exactly 1 more week to wait!




I am also not going to Pittsburgh with Chad and Nisee this weekend for the wedding.  Chad is still going with Nisee, his mom, his sister, and brother in law but we felt that it would be best if I stayed closer to home near my doctors.  I will be their chauffeur to and from the airport of course!  It is going to be difficult to be away from Chad and Nisee for 2 entire days and nights but My sister will be in town and My mom is going to probably come stay with me.   I am going to miss them like crazy!  I haven't been away from Nisee this long EVER and it has been since 2007 since I have been away from Chad more than just 1 night!

Two doctors visit with No BAD news

So today was my regular OB visit. Normally it would be next week that I would go but since I ready had the visit scheduled the Dr's at Baptist said that I could just keep this appointment.  It was comforting to have a normal OB visit, where they check for proteins in urine, check your BP, and listen to the Lacee's heart rate.  All was normal and her heart rate was great.  Dr. Dorton and I went over what Baptist has sent them and this is why I love Dr. Dorton because he was very positive and comforting after it.  A good bedside manner goes a long way esp. with emotional pregnant women.  It was also a nice change from the gloom and doom of the doctors at Baptist.  I know they have to give you the whole picture but it's still nice to have someone be a little positive.  Not about the whole situation of course but just trying to find a little positive thing for me to hold on too like Lacee's heart rate being great today.

Another Doctors visit without Bad News today was Nisee's Surgery!  She needed her second set of tubes and she had them put in this morning.  She did AWESOME!  The surgery over in 20 mins and we were in and out of the hospital in less than 2 hours.  She has been in a great mood all day and you would never know she had anything done this morning!  She hates doctors and nurses normally.  It's nothing personal but after all the trouble shes had she is just not a fan!  This time I had the great idea to take in her little dvd player.  AND It worked great!  They have TV's but they are really high up and she did not like that.  But she loved watching "Mermaid" on her dvd player and did not cry at all before they took her back.  She did cry when she came out because the anesthesia gases caused her to be disoriented but that didn't last more than 20-30 minutes and when we left she was telling the nurses "bye" and asking to watch "mermaid" in the car on the way home.  She was a little subdued until after her nap this afternoon but this evening she has been all over the place. Below are a few pics of her at the hospital.

I guess it's time to stop calling her baby

So we aren't naming our baby girl "Baby". I mean I love Dirty Dancing but not that much!  We have had her name picked out for a while!  We were told on May 13th and May 18th during ultrasounds that it was a girl.  They were fairly certain as were we but because she was measuring small we wanted to wait until this most recent ultrasound to make the announcement too everyone.  And once again it was confirmed that we are having a girl. After the May 18th ultrasound we started calling her by her name around the house because well after 2 "it's a girl" ultrasounds we were pretty sure there wouldn't be a change.

Her name is Lacee Rayne.  Lacee (Lace-E) is just a name we both really like.  Rayne however is a combination of my mom's middle name "Raye" and Chad's mom's middle name "Jane."  We really wanted to do something to show our Mom's just how much they mean to us so we felt this was a great way to do just that.

Now we know that there is a lot going on with this pregnancy and there are a lot of scary possibilities but either way Lacee is our daughter.  Going forward there will be limited "the baby" and lots more Lacee in the blog so we just wanted you all to know our daugther's name when you see it!

May 13th It's A Girl

June 8th It's A Girl

Here is also a few profile shots from our last ultrasound on June 8th!

June 8th Profile #1

June 8th Profile #2

Trying to process this ...

Well yesterday was my follow up ultrasound and we got some devastating news.  It had been exactly 3 weeks since my last ultrasound.  The baby had grown some but not enough.  The baby had only grown to 19 weeks instead of 19 weeks and 5 days where she should have been.  They saw a few other things on the ultrasound which were concerning but nothing as much as the lack of amniotic fluid around the baby.  Three weeks ago there was ample fluid around the baby but not now and that coupled with my higher HCG numbers indicate that the placenta is not functioning properly and it is not getting enough nutrients to the baby to keep it growing properly. As the baby gets bigger and bigger it requires more from the placenta and that is why it has taken a while to determine that was why the baby was not growing.  I am about 21 weeks along but the baby is only measuring 19 weeks so she is about 2 weeks behind. 

So what does this mean?  Best case scenario is that we can keep the baby in as long as possible (which we are talking 24-27 weeks)  and she would be delivered very early and go into neo-natal care for months and be ok with minimal issues from being so premature.  Worst case is of course intrauterine fetal demise or in layman's terms we lose the baby.  It could be anything in between these as well.  The plan is I will see a doctor each week alternating between my doctor and the comprehensive fetal department at Baptist.  I will have bi-weekly scans at the Baptist to monitor the baby.  So the only plan we have at this point is wait and see how things progress and how the baby is doing.  They have to also monitor me closer because of this I can develop preeclampsia among other things. All we can do is figure out to prepare for the worst and pray and hope for the best for our little girl!  We are just trying to figure out how to process all this. 

Anxious about tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound day.  We find out how Baby Pangan #2 is growing.  It is kind of nerve racking because a lot is riding on tomorrows ultrasound and I have been a rock most of this time but as the clock ticks ever closer to tomorrow the more anxious I get.  All the what if's that I have been shoving down deep inside keep creeping back up into my head.  I think I have worried more today about what could happen tomorrow than I have this entire time and no matter how much my rational mind keeps telling me to stop my mommy mind keeps taking over.  I guess it just comes with being a mom.  You can't describe the love you feel for someone you have never met and the threat that something could be wrong is really a lot try to deal with.  Chad has been wonderful of course.  He never stresses out and is just so laid back that he is the perfect complement to me.  He is convinced that nothing is wrong and that all is going to be ok.  I wish I had his confidence.  I have been stressing so much that I am just trying to get some of this out before I go to bed so I can maybe get some sleep tonight! I am just going to pray and hope that God will answer my prayers that our baby is going to be healthy! 

Somewhere between 19 weeks 3 days and 21 weeks and 1 day

Me and Our Baby #2

My Mom, Me and Baby Pangan #2

Just wanted to share a few pics of the baby aka my belly so far.  I also proud that I still weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Nisee and I am half way through this pregnancy already!  However you do gain the most in the last trimester and well I still have that to go! 

Quad 4 Results

Well we got the Quad 4 results last Thursday and well it was a mixed result test.  The results are mostly informational and this is just a screening.  If you want specifics about the test  you can follow this link http://www.americanpregnancy.org/prenataltesting/quadscreen.html .  However to explain my results I am going to give you a shorter than cliff notes version. As you have figured out already the Quad 4 screens for 4 things:  Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 (another genetic disorder I am not familiar with), spina bifida, and placenta problems.  To check for placenta problems it looks at your hCG hormone levels and mine were a little higher than normal but not high enough to be of worry.  They look at the AFP Protein level to check for spina bifida and down syndrome.  If the AFP protein is above 2.5 then that points towards possible spina bifida but if it is below 1.0 then that could point toward down syndrome or another chromosomal disorder.  Mine was 1.41 which is in the normal range.  My risk factors for Trisomy 18 were normal.

For down syndrome they look at the patterns in the proteins as well as factors such as age and ethnicity.  For someone my age the normal ratio is 1 in a 1000 however my risk is elevated to 1 in 83.  Sounds terrible right?!  But really it still means there is only 1 to 1.5% chance the baby could have down syndrome and a 98.5 to 99% chance the baby could not have down syndrome.  There are also positive factors about Baby Pangan that point to this NOT being the case.  The 1st being that my AFP protein did not fit the pattern and was normal.  The biggest is that the nasal bone is a key indicator that the baby is good.  Baby Pangan has a well developed nasal bone which greatly decreases the chances that he or she has down syndrome.  For more information on this check out this article http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20021217/fetal-nasal-bone-predicts-down-syndrome. Another thing that the genetic counselor said could cause results like this is a small baby!  Babies that are smaller can have protein patterns that mimic problems.  And we know Baby Pangan is smaller than he or she is supposed to be!

There are a lot of things that go through your mind about this.  It is nice information to have and my mind is at ease more knowing this information even if it wasn't the 1 in 10,000 I was looking for on everything!   On Web MD when you look up Quad 4 Screening it says this:  Out of 1,000 pregnant women, approximately 50 will have quad marker screen results that indicate an increased risk for having a baby with a birth defect. Of those 50 women, only one or two will actually have a baby with an open neural tube defect. About 40 women will have quad marker screen results that show an increased risk for having a baby with Down syndrome and one or two will actually have a baby with Down syndrome. (Link to Article on Web MD)  I think that it really puts it in perspective.

So why test you ask?!  Well for a lot of reasons.  We decided to have the test because well there is a family history with my mom's sister who passed when she was not even a year old of hydrocephalus and possible spina bifida.  It was the 1950's and they didn't know about shunts back then.  We didn't do it with Nisee because she was always growing properly and there wasn't anything that presented to be wrong.  We also tested because well I always feel like the more information I have the better decisions I can make and the better decisions I can make the better off I am.  The question of amniocentesis kept coming up and since the presents the greatest risk to the baby that we would get as much information as possible before deciding to do that.  From the beginning I told Chad that there would have to be like a 1 in 4 chance that the baby would have down syndrome or a high high risk of spina bifida for me to risk an amniocentesis.  Well since both those are out we are pretty much just down to waiting for the last ultrasound.

My follow up ultrasound is Wednesday June 8th at with WFU Baptist Fetal Medicine.  They really wanted to do a time lapsed ultrasound both preformed at their location.  This will really be the determining factor as to what is going on.  I was measuring at 16 weeks 5 days on May 18th and I should be measuring at 19 weeks 5 days when I go back this Wednesday.  They will also be able to see the babies heart and spine better than before.  They looked ok before but they couldn't get clear images of them so they will be checking those again.  So as long as baby has grown about 3 weeks worth over the last 3 weeks then we are good.  If we go in and baby is measuring significantly smaller or larger then we will be in a whole new boat and who knows from there.

This is where we sit right now.  Praying that this ultrasound is going to show our baby to have grown 3 weeks and that all is well.  They can issue me a due date and continue to monitor his or her growth.  It is hard to stay all strong and not freak out but I just try to remind myself that we don't have anything to freak out about yet and so far we are getting nothing but good news!  Thanks again for the all prayers between our loving friends and family and our awesome God we know we can make it through this no matter what the outcome is!

A Little Good News

Yesterday I got part of my blood work back!  And the good news is that all the antibody tests for infections came back negative!  So Good news is that there is not an infection!  I won't get the results from the Quad Four testing until next week though.  BUT I wanted to let everyone know about our good news!  We are so thankful for all the prayers and thoughts!  God is good and he is going to see us through the rest of this!   We hold high hopes for another good result!

Baby Pangan Update ... Posted 5/18/2011

I had my ultrasound at Baptist this afternoon. Chad couldn't get off work so my Mom decided to join me.  They took me back to scan me and she was showing us all the babies parts again and of course doing a lot of measuring. The plan was she would scan me and then the doctor would review the scans and then come speak to me. When the doctor came to speak to me we talked a while about what was going on and then she talked about what she saw on the scans.  She stated what she could see looked good but that they were not able to see the heart and the spine as well as they liked. We talked a lot and they are thinking that there is an issue with the way the baby is growing. This could be a lot of things some of which are really scary and some are pretty much nothing at all.

She talked about 4 different things that it could be at this point.  First it could be a genetic disorder or a chromosomal issue, second it could be an infection that is causing the baby to not grow properly,  third it could be that the baby is not getting what it needs from the placenta and fourth it could be just small baby.  She doesn't think that there is anything wrong with the placenta because there is ample fluid around the baby and since that comes from the baby urinating if there was an issue with the placenta and the baby not getting what it needed they normally would see low fluid levels. She also did say that the baby is uniformly smaller than normal so it is not like one area is smaller than it should be which is another good thing.  The babies heart rate is 153 which is also good.

We decided on the following game plan.  They drew blood today to test for infection and to do the quad 4 genetic testing as well as test for the placenta just in case.  I will be scanned again June 9th.  They want to scan the baby again in a few weeks at the same office so they can see the growth over time.  Since I am measuring at 16 weeks 5 days (should be around 18 weeks 3 days) then they want to see where I am measuring at that time.  That will help a lot they said.  I am not a huge fan of the quad 4 because it can give a false positive and the only way to know for sure is amniocentesis.  However I decided to do it because if it comes back with very little chance then that could rule out a genetic disorder as the likely culprit.  If it comes back that there is a big chance then we would consider an amniocentesis if the ultrasound also shows something.   The infection testing is a 2 part testing to measure my level of antibodies so we won't know if it is that for at least 3-4 weeks as well.

We could do all this testing and it all come back negative and the baby just be small.  That is still an option.  Chad was only 6lbs 12 oz and his sister was only 6lbs 1 oz and they were full term babies. I wasn't huge either at a little over 7 lbs. While a lot of this is scary, I still feel like we don't know much more than we did Friday except now we just know a little more about the WHAT IF's.  The way I look at it is that there isn't any need to get all upset about something we don't know yet and stressing about it all the time is just as bad for the baby. So until there is something to get upset about I am going to continue to be optimistic and pray for the best out come.  We continue to ask God to help give us strength and guidance during this time!

Well I just wanted to update you all on what we didn't find out today! ;)  They gave us a few more ultrasound pics which I will post.  They did show us the babies sex again and it was the same as they told us on Friday but we are going to wait until after the June 9th ultrasound to share just to be sure!

I do want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers!

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A little more explanation about our anatomy ultrasound ...From 5/14/2011

So I feel a little like explaining today and its really early and I am up and can't go back to sleep.

So yesterday we went for our anatomy ultrasound all prepared to find out Boy or Girl and find out all about how healthy and perfect our baby is but when we got there and they started measuring the baby there was an issue. I had an ultrasound on March 2nd to determine my due date which they placed at 10/16/2011.  I knew with in a few days of when I had started and that due date pretty much matched up.  However yesterday when they were measuring the baby he or she was measuring only at 16 weeks 0 days.  I was supposed to be 17 weeks and 5 days.

If I had not had the 1st ultrasound to determine due date and they calculated solely off when I thought I had my last period then they would just say I was wrong and that I ovulated late and that I wasn't as far a long as I thought.  There is a margin of error with ultrasounds and it is usually a few days but rarely is it 12 days.  The problem comes from the fact that the original ultrasound has the baby being further along than it is showing now.  The second issue is that my due date according to the new ultrasound has me conceiving after I had already gotten a positive home pregnancy test.

So what does all this mean?  Well it could mean 1 of 2 things.  1)  There was an error with the original ultrasound and I wasn't as far along as they put me and this ultrasound has me measuring a little small due to the margin of error that they can have.  2) the baby isn't growing like it should be and there is something more wrong.

Both the Doctor and the Ultrasound Lady said that what all they could see looked good but they couldn't see it clearly enough with the baby being so small.  They were able to get a good profile shot, see the nasal bone (she called it something else), see the stomach and see all arms, legs, hands and feet.  They were also able to see and hear the heart beat and it looked good and sounded strong BUT they couldn't see close enough to see all 4 chambers clearly.  The spine looked good as well.   The heart rate was 147.

Dr. Dorton is my favorite of the doctors at my OBs office and he's the one that delivered Nisee and will deliver this baby as well.  He has one of the best "bedside manners" that I have found.  So he pulled me and Chad into his office to talk about whats going on.  He said he feels that it is probably that there was an error made with the 1st ultrasound BUT he said he wants to have me scanned at Baptist to make sure there isn't anything else going on.  He said it will make him feel better and it will make us feel better once we get the results of that scan.  The scan is to be scheduled for next week or early in the week after that.

Now my rational mind tells me that he is probably right and that it was just an error with the original scan and that since this one has a few days error on it too that its not quite as far out as they are thinking and that I am going to find my new due date somewhere in the middle.  MY MOM mind has me freaked the hell out!  Just the chance that there could be something wrong has me worried to pieces.  I try to tell my MOM mind to listen to my rational mind but it only works for so long. Yesterday I was so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster ride I had been on that I didn't feel like really talking about anything but I did want to explain a little more about what happened.

I really appreciate all the prayers and all the thoughts!  We are really luck! We just pray that it really was just an error and that there isn't anything wrong.  They did give us some pictures from the ultrasound yesterday.