Happy 4th of July!

We had a great long weekend!  We spent Saturday at Chad's Mom's and we all enjoyed swimming in the pool!  Nisee really loved it!  Her puddle jumper was exactly what she needed and she was able to swim all over the place on her own!  It was a great day!

Nisee Swimming! 

Then Sunday we went to the New River to hang out with family and friends!  We had a great time and Nisee really loved being in the river! I spent most of my day sitting in a chair by the river just watching everyone and it was awesome!

Nisee in the New River in VA

Today we spent most of the day being LAZY and we loved it!  We went to dinner and to visit my Nanny Peg and Papaw Lester this evening and we got to see my cousin Scott and his wife Tracey that I haven't seen in so long that Chad had never met them.  It was nice to see them and hear about their recent trip to Africa.  We were going to go to fireworks in Mocksville but Nisee started getting fussy and tried and then I started not feeling so hot myself so we came on home.  However we got to see a ton of fireworks all from our back deck.  Our neighbors had to spend thousands of dollars on all these great fireworks!  I know we (me and Chad) sure appreciate it.  Nisee didn't care for the them too much and kept point at the door and saying "Inside...Inside"! 

Over all it was a great weekend!  Chad is still off tomorrow and he is going to enjoy a long day of mowing and house projects!  What a great day off huh?  I go back to work tomorrow and while I always love my time off at least I have a great job with a great company.  I am kind of glad that we have had all this fun this weekend because it has made the time fly by.  It is hard to believe that my next doctors appointment is already just 1 day away.  After the last appointment went so well I am starting to get nervous about this one.  This one is a big one too because this will tell us how much she has grown which is important because if she hasn't grown like they want her to they will put me in the hospital!   It has been nice to just enjoy a weekend with a little good news and almost pretend like this was a normal pregnancy but it's back to reality now.  All we can do is keep praying and keep faith that we will make it through this!  We hope everyone had a great Independence Day!

Finally a little GOOD News!!!

I should start by saying I am NOT typing this from my hospital room! I am comfy on my couch at home! This was all because today's visit went so much better than we expected. To be honest I don't think Chad and I spoke more than 10 words to each other on the way to the doctor's office. We were both so nervous and we had both resigned that this was going be just more bad news. When they scanned me this time they were not checking growth because they don't check growth but every 2 weeks. They were mostly concerned with the uterine artery Doppler and the results off this. The uterine artery Doppler showed that the blood flow between Lacee and the placenta was good! Also the fluid around the baby looks good! Dr. Decker explained that it was a little low but still in the normal range. Due to this they do not think that there is a problem with the placenta anymore. Her heart rate is good and they said her heart looked good BUT due to family history they are sending me to have a fetal echo so that a cardiologist can review to make sure there isn't anything they are missing. I go for that appointment on July 20th. I am to come back on July 6th for my 2 week scan to check growth. They are also going to do another uterine artery Doppler as well as do a fetal well being assessment which includes a study of how Lacee is breathing in the fluid, her movement and 2 other things that I can't remember right now. The only bad thing out of this visit is now we are back to NOT knowing why she is not growing like she should. There is still a chance that it could be a chromosome issue that we don't know about or something worse but we are trying to not think like that. Dr. Decker said that structurally Lacee looks good and so we have to continue to monitor me and her. I have to come prepared to go into the hospital again next Wednesday at my appointment and this will pretty much be par for the course. We will be going week to week from now on. We consider this a small victory and we are going to take a few days to enjoy a little good news! On a side note Tuesday night Chad was able to feel Lacee kicking 3 times. This is the 1st time hes been able to do that. OH and I also got more clarification around which is most important the size of the baby or the gestational age. Dr. Decker said that while the size of the baby is important that the most important thing is gestational age because the baby will, in her words, "act their age!" So even though Lacee is measuring smaller she is actually doing the things a 24 week old baby is doing which is good to know. They gave us some more pictures today!

Foot 1

Foot 2

Profile 24 weeks

Arm up in front of her face

Lacee's ultrasound pics from June 22, 2011

Profile 1

3D picture

Profile 2

Profile 3

June 22nd Drs visit

I had my follow up ultrasound today and the news was not good. Lacee has only grown to 20 weeks in size (that's her growing 1 week in 2 weeks time) and the fluid is still low. About the most positive thing they could say was that the fluid hadn't gotten any lower. So I will come back on June 30th (8 days from today) and they will do a uterine artery doppler. This will determine the blood flow between Lacee and the placenta. If this is not good then they are going to put me in the hospital that day and they will monitor me daily until it reaches the point where Lacee is better out than in and they will deliver. The doctor told me and my mom directly to come prepared to go into the hospital next Thursday as all the signs point that this test will not have good results. She said how long I am in the hospital before delivery depends on how Lacee does and how she is growing. They will give me steroids when I go in to help Lacee's development. So we have a lot to think about and a lot more to process and plan for. I am not sure how we are going to do it. The only thing I do know that we are blessed to have such great family and friends that are supporting us through this!

Given our family history

Well tomorrow is my next doctors appointment and of course the closer it gets the more nervous I get. I am trying my best not to stress too much but it is very hard. After the way the last visit turned out I am afraid to hold to much hope for this one. I was sure that everything was going to turn out alright at my last scan and I was so wrong. I am trying to not have any expectations at all but that is almost impossible. My Mom is going with me again and she is much more worried in general than I am but she is still supportive.

Most people probably don't know that every woman in my family all the way back to my Great Grandma Hollie (yes my namesake) has lost a baby or child. My Great Grandma miscarried triplets her first pregnancy and her first child died at birth. My Mamaw Evalene's first child, my Aunt, Myra Elizabeth was born with hydrocephalus and in the 1950's there were not any treatments for this and she died shortly before a year old. My sister Denise (where Nisee's name came from) passed away when she was 4 of heart failure. She was born with a syndrome that deformed the left side of her heart. So when I say my mom is more worried it is because of our family history and her own experiences.

Two weeks before my Mamaw Evalene was diagnosed with Cancer the entire family had gone to Oak Island or Long Beach as Mamaw still called it. It was 5 days of everyone getting along and it was so perfect. After her diagnosis my Mamaw later confided in my Mom that she felt that things were just to good that something was going to happen and she was afraid it was going to be something with Nisee given our family history and that she never thought it would be her cancer diagnosis.

Sometimes I feel like the cards are stacked against me and Lacee with all these problems. I know that sounds crazy but sometimes you can't make feelings rational. We have all kind of adopted a saying that my Mamaw used a lot when we were dealing with her cancer "No matter what happens it will all be ok!" I am trying to think that way but the unknown is what is so scary and it keeps creeping up on me.

Thank you for all the prayers for me and Lacee and our family. We are truly blessed to have so many praying for us.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I am sure Tom Petty and Heartbreakers weren't the 1st ones who coined the phrase "the waiting is the hardest part" but they sure did a good job with the song.



Tom Petty has been quoted as saying that this song for him was about the anticipation before a gig but that it really resonates with so many people because waiting is hard to do for anything whether it be a new house, a wedding, a paycheck, a baby or in our case another ultrasound.  When I say I am not a patient person that is putting it mildly to say the least so this waiting is just torture for me.  Even Chad who is one of the most patient people I know is anxious and ready for the next ultrasound!  Waiting can be hard on anyone and it can be especially hard when you're waiting for news that is so important like this.

The only thing we hold on to is the heart beat we listen to each morning and each night and the little movements I feel each day.  I made the best investment I have made in a long time when I decided to buy a friends fetal doppler.  Even though we don't know if the fluid levels are going up or staying the same or if Lacee is growing; at least when we hear the heartbeat (and it it sounds so good and strong like it always has) we know that things are ok at that moment.  It has been such a blessing and has kept us sane!

I like countdowns!  Some people don't but I do!  So I created one for our next ultrasound!  My next visit is June 22nd in the late afternoon and we have exactly 1 more week to wait!




I am also not going to Pittsburgh with Chad and Nisee this weekend for the wedding.  Chad is still going with Nisee, his mom, his sister, and brother in law but we felt that it would be best if I stayed closer to home near my doctors.  I will be their chauffeur to and from the airport of course!  It is going to be difficult to be away from Chad and Nisee for 2 entire days and nights but My sister will be in town and My mom is going to probably come stay with me.   I am going to miss them like crazy!  I haven't been away from Nisee this long EVER and it has been since 2007 since I have been away from Chad more than just 1 night!

Two doctors visit with No BAD news

So today was my regular OB visit. Normally it would be next week that I would go but since I ready had the visit scheduled the Dr's at Baptist said that I could just keep this appointment.  It was comforting to have a normal OB visit, where they check for proteins in urine, check your BP, and listen to the Lacee's heart rate.  All was normal and her heart rate was great.  Dr. Dorton and I went over what Baptist has sent them and this is why I love Dr. Dorton because he was very positive and comforting after it.  A good bedside manner goes a long way esp. with emotional pregnant women.  It was also a nice change from the gloom and doom of the doctors at Baptist.  I know they have to give you the whole picture but it's still nice to have someone be a little positive.  Not about the whole situation of course but just trying to find a little positive thing for me to hold on too like Lacee's heart rate being great today.

Another Doctors visit without Bad News today was Nisee's Surgery!  She needed her second set of tubes and she had them put in this morning.  She did AWESOME!  The surgery over in 20 mins and we were in and out of the hospital in less than 2 hours.  She has been in a great mood all day and you would never know she had anything done this morning!  She hates doctors and nurses normally.  It's nothing personal but after all the trouble shes had she is just not a fan!  This time I had the great idea to take in her little dvd player.  AND It worked great!  They have TV's but they are really high up and she did not like that.  But she loved watching "Mermaid" on her dvd player and did not cry at all before they took her back.  She did cry when she came out because the anesthesia gases caused her to be disoriented but that didn't last more than 20-30 minutes and when we left she was telling the nurses "bye" and asking to watch "mermaid" in the car on the way home.  She was a little subdued until after her nap this afternoon but this evening she has been all over the place. Below are a few pics of her at the hospital.

I guess it's time to stop calling her baby

So we aren't naming our baby girl "Baby". I mean I love Dirty Dancing but not that much!  We have had her name picked out for a while!  We were told on May 13th and May 18th during ultrasounds that it was a girl.  They were fairly certain as were we but because she was measuring small we wanted to wait until this most recent ultrasound to make the announcement too everyone.  And once again it was confirmed that we are having a girl. After the May 18th ultrasound we started calling her by her name around the house because well after 2 "it's a girl" ultrasounds we were pretty sure there wouldn't be a change.

Her name is Lacee Rayne.  Lacee (Lace-E) is just a name we both really like.  Rayne however is a combination of my mom's middle name "Raye" and Chad's mom's middle name "Jane."  We really wanted to do something to show our Mom's just how much they mean to us so we felt this was a great way to do just that.

Now we know that there is a lot going on with this pregnancy and there are a lot of scary possibilities but either way Lacee is our daughter.  Going forward there will be limited "the baby" and lots more Lacee in the blog so we just wanted you all to know our daugther's name when you see it!

May 13th It's A Girl

June 8th It's A Girl

Here is also a few profile shots from our last ultrasound on June 8th!

June 8th Profile #1

June 8th Profile #2

Trying to process this ...

Well yesterday was my follow up ultrasound and we got some devastating news.  It had been exactly 3 weeks since my last ultrasound.  The baby had grown some but not enough.  The baby had only grown to 19 weeks instead of 19 weeks and 5 days where she should have been.  They saw a few other things on the ultrasound which were concerning but nothing as much as the lack of amniotic fluid around the baby.  Three weeks ago there was ample fluid around the baby but not now and that coupled with my higher HCG numbers indicate that the placenta is not functioning properly and it is not getting enough nutrients to the baby to keep it growing properly. As the baby gets bigger and bigger it requires more from the placenta and that is why it has taken a while to determine that was why the baby was not growing.  I am about 21 weeks along but the baby is only measuring 19 weeks so she is about 2 weeks behind. 

So what does this mean?  Best case scenario is that we can keep the baby in as long as possible (which we are talking 24-27 weeks)  and she would be delivered very early and go into neo-natal care for months and be ok with minimal issues from being so premature.  Worst case is of course intrauterine fetal demise or in layman's terms we lose the baby.  It could be anything in between these as well.  The plan is I will see a doctor each week alternating between my doctor and the comprehensive fetal department at Baptist.  I will have bi-weekly scans at the Baptist to monitor the baby.  So the only plan we have at this point is wait and see how things progress and how the baby is doing.  They have to also monitor me closer because of this I can develop preeclampsia among other things. All we can do is figure out to prepare for the worst and pray and hope for the best for our little girl!  We are just trying to figure out how to process all this. 

Anxious about tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound day.  We find out how Baby Pangan #2 is growing.  It is kind of nerve racking because a lot is riding on tomorrows ultrasound and I have been a rock most of this time but as the clock ticks ever closer to tomorrow the more anxious I get.  All the what if's that I have been shoving down deep inside keep creeping back up into my head.  I think I have worried more today about what could happen tomorrow than I have this entire time and no matter how much my rational mind keeps telling me to stop my mommy mind keeps taking over.  I guess it just comes with being a mom.  You can't describe the love you feel for someone you have never met and the threat that something could be wrong is really a lot try to deal with.  Chad has been wonderful of course.  He never stresses out and is just so laid back that he is the perfect complement to me.  He is convinced that nothing is wrong and that all is going to be ok.  I wish I had his confidence.  I have been stressing so much that I am just trying to get some of this out before I go to bed so I can maybe get some sleep tonight! I am just going to pray and hope that God will answer my prayers that our baby is going to be healthy!