So I have been doing a pretty good job of dealing with all the things that are going on with this pregnancy. I had my moments in June when things were at their worst and since then things have continued to go well so it has been easier to cope and place focus on Lacee's successful growth than to drift back to the what if's. However now that her arrival is getting closer and closer those what if's are starting to creep back up and after this mornings ultrasound I lost it.
The ultrasound was fine. Her BPP and doppler's were good. Dr. Grandis and I talked about if I should schedule a 37 week ultrasound for growth and he said that we could go ahead and schedule one but that really the growth scan at 35 weeks would determine if they decided to deliver at 37 weeks or not. He again alluded to the fact that he feels Lacee's growth restriction is a result of what her chromosomes say. This could mean her DNA just says she is a small baby or it could mean that she has a chromosomal abnormality. He was clear that there is still no definite answer and that both options are still on the table and that was comforting, sort of.
So I scheduled my 9/29/2011 37 week scan but as I walked to my car the more I started to think about "what if there is a problem?" and I lost it. I cried for a good hour or more on my drive to Durham. I have spent most of my energy trying to focus on the positive and not dwell in the negative or focus on what we don't know but there are just times when it all comes crashing down on you and this morning was one of those times. I talked to my mama and then Chad, of course, and they were great at helping me calm down and help me refocus. Chad is so laid back and just knows exactly how to deal with me when I get like this and that's one of the reasons I love him so much! I am also a little jealous sometimes and I wish I could be more laid back about things like him but it's just not in my nature. Mama really understands what's going on and the significance of it so she knows how to really empathize with me and help me understand that it's ok to be upset and to worry and mostly to be scared to death! Because that is what I am ... SCARED TO DEATH! Don't get me wrong I am thankful that Lacee has made it all this way and she will be a blessing no matter what but I can't deny that I am not scared about what might be.
After all this crying I had to go to work and I am glad that I had to be in Durham today because it gave me the chance to get calmed down during the drive before having to deal with work. I had a great meeting today where I got some great feedback about how I do my job and that helped me end my day on a better note. I worked hard to earn the feedback I got so that makes it all the more important. On my ride home from Durham I was again back to focusing on the positive and praying for the best outcomes. I also again resigned myself that there are always "what if's" and if we live our life worrying about them then we will never actually live. I think I needed this mornings crying session to get out all the frustration I was feeling about so many unknowns with Lacee and we all need to get things out before we explode! I actually feel much better!
I also had a doctors visit at my OB's office on Tuesday and they actually will be seeing me every week starting well this week. My next visit with them is Friday the 16th, they wanted to see me the day after my next growth scan. I think they maybe wanting to schedule my c-section soon but they will take the advice of the doctors at maternal fetal so if after that scan they want to allow me to get to 37 weeks for another growth check then I am not sure what they will do. A lot hangs on this next growth scan! I got a few pictures today but I haven't scanned them yet.
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